Days Closer
Sunday, September 2, 2012, 4:20 AM
Northern lights are part of you no matter what you do. I know what I feel and that I feel it for you.
Don't forget me, okay?
One day I'll come to terms with it but for now I'll sit in the room with the projector and slide in memory after memory and sit with the one-sided notion that we'll never know, we will never fucking know. Promises to my friends, promises til the end. I can't leave them behind but I can't leave you.
Not that I don't want to.
Candles, memories of candles, not wanting candles, blowing out candles, wishing for anything more than what I'm stuck with here.
Of sense
Sunday, August 26, 2012, 10:00 PM
Northern lights are in your eyes
It's cold up there and I wish I tried
harder to see you, but it was so hard to be near you
and with every word I said I meant a hidden meaning
One more time and I just know I could say it
Take you with me
Say something say anything.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 7:54 PM
The only thing that's new
is what I do to try to replace you.
But nothing seems to.
The infinite circle.
Friday, April 6, 2012, 10:52 AM
So desperate for you, to be near you, to feel you, the best I can do is reread the words I wrote in a haze, not even knowing what was coming, still not knowing, but loving every moment and the hurt that wasn't. The end that wasn't. If I could say it with confidence I'd say I'll get over you. If I could say it with confidence I'd say that I want you. Nothing is soon enough and could you just say it so I don't have to. Something to add to the list of a hundred ones. Something to pass the time until it's done.
Puzzle
Thursday, March 8, 2012, 6:11 PM
Too fucking embraced. If it weren't for death and drugs I'd be completely taken away. Afloat somewhere in the space above the city. Then again, I usually float there anyway. Always ready to blow away. Always ready to never stay. Wrapped up in clouds and fantasies.
Why doesn't anything feel good.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012, 10:57 PM
In trying to will it away, it comes back stronger and worse with substance. Closer to nothing and never close again. God, it feels hollow. But it's a necessity. Drugs to take the time. Drugs to make it feel good in a way only you could. But it's never really the same.
Unexpectations
, 10:47 PM
I would be at your side in an instant. But I think when I said it you missed it. Too concerned with hiding, too preoccupied with lying, too scared to admit that I want it. But I fought to be there and I could tell you cared if I was. And do you think that time and space would've made a difference? And do you think it would have changed any of this. Because your face in my mind is fading so quickly and your eyes are fading but I feel you everywhere and it's all the time, I feel it all the time.
Enigmatic
Friday, January 13, 2012, 5:43 PM
Here it comes. My skin hates this winter. My heart can't take the chill. There's too much shit to try not to think about and too much time to spend figuring it all out. Time moves so slowly when I'm waiting. And I probably should've taken that pill after all. And there's too much distance from up here to where I'll fall. And it's always a mystery why I care at all.
Back away from home.
Monday, December 19, 2011, 5:01 PM
It's so hard not to be sad, it's almost more work than it's worth. And when I imagine what I want, I'm not sure it's you. I mean, right now it's you. But these kinds of things rarely stay the same. It's tough to handle. It's not enough, and still, my eyes search the room for the one thing that'll change that. I'm dizzy and my vision's blurry but I guess I'll keep looking.
November 20th
Sunday, November 20, 2011, 6:27 PM
God, I can't do this anymore.
Dropping like dominoes.
Sunday, November 6, 2011, 8:42 PM
Going home is going to suck so much.
11:11
Saturday, November 5, 2011, 2:59 PM
It's a little alarming, appearing in the left without warning, a shot in the morning, to accompany the moaning. The sex is good - well, it's great - but I don't think I can handle the waking up period. Too little and too much time, for everything, for you, for me. It's all about handling. I don't know where it comes from, coming on strong, feeling like I'm always wrong. It hasn't happened before but I guess that's a bit of a white lie. Because when it comes down to it, I'm always coming down from somewhere. Always from somewhere.
This body can only cry for so long.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011, 1:55 AM
And now, to realize who you were, and who you still are. How things have changed. How things have stayed the same. So much to weigh, but it's been a while. I just can't seem to drown for long enough. I just can't seem to turn it off.
Will we always feel this way?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011, 2:31 PM
"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
-George Orwell
Snowstorms
Thursday, April 14, 2011, 2:43 PM
I really do hate everything about winter - the gray, the gloom - and I've been planning on moving somewhere nicer when I'm done school. But I wonder if living somewhere with year-round sunshine will make me appreciate it less. I wonder if I will lose the feeling I get when the sun has almost fully melted the snow and the birds are chirping and I can almost, almost feel the summer with my fingertips. Because that feeling almost, almost makes waiting out the winter worth it.
Every possibility.
Thursday, February 10, 2011, 9:39 PM
The unknown, the black; the timing, I'm back. The tears in my skin, the wonder within. The timing. Tearing at me slowly, wearing me down wholly. A piece of time. Cluttered mind. Deaf to the sounds, deaf to the outside. A single cry. Timing.
NRMN
Friday, January 21, 2011, 10:12 PM
I have all I need beside me and that never lets me down. Everyone else is constantly shifting, changing, disappointing. Disappearing. Can't wait to leave this place. Show you what it's like to disappear. But I was never really here, anyway. Always halfway to another city. Halfway pretty.
Number crunching.
Thursday, December 9, 2010, 1:36 PM
Stuck in a broken time machine, a cycle, a pattern, an addiction machine. Addicted to before. But not enough to warrant more. But enough to feel like such a whore. Enough for me to be keeping score. And the numbers keep piling like files on files and the scales keep tipping but not in my favour and the visions keep coming and so regret makes me a little backwards.
Now I Listen To New Wave
Monday, August 9, 2010, 10:14 PM
And you can't hide when there's not much to hide from, but you can stretch your arms out to catch what you're afraid of. Everything's falling from the ceiling so stretch your arms out. Everything's falling falling falling and I know what that's about. There's a box locked under my bed, a box full of secrets I pushed out of my head, a box full of secrets formerly in my bed. If you listened at all it was only once. Falling falling falling. And in slow motion we wreck the train. And in drunken loneliness we lay. And at night you're pretty easy to replace.
Black Eyes and Apple Pies
Friday, May 14, 2010, 6:21 PM
So I'm shining on while you're kind of a mess and I never saw it in you, that you were a lot of things but never a cheat. But I guess you liked your blacklight and your life in the dark and your sealed-off basement with the holes in the wall. And I guess we all tell stories about stories. And it's not to say I see you differently because you'll always be the same, but now I have to wonder if you ever kissed me then her then me after all. Because I never thought ill of you then. And I still felt love for you then. And I meant all the words that I said. There's no doubt in the pit of my stomach but there's doubt in my eyes and maybe you really were the very first time.
You are getting sleepy.
Saturday, April 10, 2010, 2:48 PM
I have such tired eyes from observations and indignation and from trying to make you smile. It's so hard but I like to try. You know, there were so many of them tonight. Does that mean something? I'm barely surviving on four hours of sleep, and that means something. I think I've seen this place before. It's pretty, but the time lapse is too much for me. I like the way you put your hand on my thigh. I like when my words come together and come out of my mouth but it doesn't happen very often. There's something in your face that makes it rare, there's something in the way you stare. Nerves and blurs, "Pull yourself together, girl."
Falling off the wall.
, 1:35 PM
You can disappear and feel the freedom of not being needed. You fell in love too fast and now this is your consequence, this is what you practically asked for with your sabotage. You are a flaw, you brought this down on your head. You can't run from your lies fast enough because they are leaps and bounds ahead of you. And you probably wish you were smarter, but you're not, so your lies are leaps and bounds ahead of you. When this is over, you can look back and make your regrets, but you won't have her, and you won't have him, and you won't have me.
The Box Under My Bed
Friday, March 19, 2010, 8:14 PM
Circles, circles, a shadow with meaning. Well you're certainly demeaning. I saw your face across the hall and wandered and wondered if that was all you had for me. That's it? That's weak. In that case, with that face, I'd rather speak. My mind, my body, trembles at the thought. It's like wine, that time I fought the urge to drink to think. Clearly, this isn't enough for me.
What morals?
Friday, February 5, 2010, 2:08 AM
I can't stop running red lights because I can't stop thinking about how the pope is trying to take over my vacation with machine guns.
Travelling the Americas
Wednesday, January 27, 2010, 12:57 AM
I accidentally missed all my roots, I forgot about my roots, oops. I popped all my blow-up furniture. The plastic lost its life, oh, how ironic, the irony in deflation. Mallrats are dead so I cut all the labels out of my life. I must admit I feel a bit empty now but I think it will probably pass. I did feel comfortable in the room upstairs, safe from ghosts, and it's a little cold down here but at least I have the radio.
"Are you down?"
"Yes."
Another notch, another night.
Thursday, November 26, 2009, 8:30 PM
I'm over questions and over-questioning but I swear it's a talent, the things you do to me. One night only, we'll say it's special but we'll be lying. It's a nice thought, love, but this is a lot more realistic than anything else I could come up with. Move like that, twist like that... red in the face, blue in the balls, I guess you didn't listen after all. Twelve minutes later and you're only naked on the inside, hide your ties before I run out of ways to run you out of here. What less do you want because I can't keep pretending you don't want more and I haven't forgotten your marriage to contrivance and lies. If only human nature was a little bit different and dirty selfish service wasn't your best move. I'm out, lock the door and finish yourself off.
Stepping on a shadow.
Sunday, November 22, 2009, 3:08 PM
And in the midst of a liquored haze and at the near-end of a well-played game, you got inside. During this all, during this all, I knew it to be coming soon. The build-up to break-down ratio is terribly unbalanced but that was inevitable. You think I can't handle it, you think I need your hand? But what will you do when I walk away and make my way despite you. And what will you do when I go to six to spite you. I'll leave you to your hand, I'll leave you for a real man. Thank the stars for control, slips occur and you can make me shake but you won't throw my balance.
Machineface.
, 3:07 PM
I left the love behind and walked into a winter air. "The biting cold only lasts when you fight it," they said. "It only lasts when you deny it." But this is my home. I've grown accustomed to the tension in my neck and the shivers in my bones. And as the distance builds with every inch and the cold creeps its way through the windowsill, my heart clamors in my chest. And despite the layers and shades, even though I hide, I fracture at two hundred miles per hour. I can't help it, I just want to, I want you. But I don't stop, and I increase speed, and the wind rolls through me, and I keep moving through, waiting out the season until the cold has passed.
Replacing people with hats.
, 3:07 PM
Pages and pages and pages, never-ending pages, here is the only place for you and I. Alone in a dark room, alone underground. You're not actually here. My imagination is wild and I can run pretty fast but it's always a few steps ahead of me. Oh, to make something out of nothing. Oh, to be stuck in here with no way out and no connection to the outside. Stuck inside. Here. I don't want this anymore. I have a feeling that I missed a beat, skipped something, missed something. Maybe it was at the bottom of that empty bottle, that's how it seemed. And so you see: finish to forget, and forget we did. Easy. Oh, to make something out of nothing. Oh, to imagine something out of nothing.
Vagtastic Voyage
, 2:52 PM
I'm defensive, I act and I retract and oh, did you leave your jacket in my car? I don't really want to be a part of you but I don't want to be apart from you but there's that elephant in the room, you said. It could be your tone but I think you're just fucking with me and that's not very fair. Maybe we should hesitate for a moment and reveal the secrets that we kept for years. Her and him and them and us and smokes and smokes and smokes, empty gin bottles and going down down down. It's so funny that you never noticed but the way you opened your mouth was hot. You never noticed that I laughed when you said do you want me? I'm so defensive. Everything about you makes me hot but you said I was cold. So we laugh.
I fell off my chair when no one was there.
, 2:49 PM
There are so many things I want to say and you can hear them tip-toeing up and down the hall, pacing as I procrastinate. And you will never get here; you will pass here but you will never get here. And when you are there do you stare and do you feel your heart beat against your rib cage because I do. And when you feel do you sigh in desperation because you just can't follow through. I swear that I'd say yes you are enough and maybe it's just the intoxication and the song playing through the speakers but for a minute I really thought I wanted this; but in my deepest thoughts I don't; neither of us deserved this but here we are. But you kind of deserved it. You deserved it. You are the cause and the effect and you deserved it.
College.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009, 2:24 PM
I read over your lines, lie by lie, and did you know I stayed up hoping you would knock on my window, come in and lay down beside me and go down on me? It's so ironic and you're so narcissistic, I never would have guessed it would go like this. Don't you get it, it won't be me. "Inaction," you said. There's regret and then there's you, there's you. I laughed when you said you were empty, you're so narcissistic. Don't worry, I won't repeat your words to anyone because I know how much my vagina means to you. You'll go down and it will mean nothing to me. I stayed up thinking that your face between my legs would look nice but don't read into it too much because it means nothing. You're making me hot with that grin but you mean nothing.
The apartment.
Friday, July 24, 2009, 2:25 AM
Maybe it's time for you to leave or maybe it's just a stretch, but my imagination runs wild and it runs you out of the room and into the night. The outside silence wafts through the streets, the wind blows against you as you rewind to your origins. It's almost as if you were never really here, or maybe you never really were. Your rough demeanor and your tumbling exterior linger on my sheets, I've never been so hot. Maybe it wasn't all as it seemed but we pretended for a while, just a while, and it was nice while it lasted. Ideally, I'd find you in my bed once again, twisted up in those sheets and naked but everyone knows what you really want. That's okay, I didn't want you anyway. What did you say, that night you made a fool of me? What was it, among the dirty dishes and the records and the pull-out? Maybe it was the broken chords, maybe it was your broken knees but you made a fool of me. Sometimes I'm present and sometimes I'm not and somehow I forgot the past few months and I let you make a fool out of me.
Vigorously, Dubois!
Thursday, July 23, 2009, 3:54 AM
You sat beside me and even though you weren't honest, neither was I and we both disguised our intentions with false hesitation. And when you dreamt about it that night did you laugh in your sleep; because I did. And the irony of the situation is that you are using me to get head and I am using you to get ahead. And the irony of the situation is that you won't get it but I will. You won't be releasing on me, my dear. Hold in a little longer while I excuse myself and leave you to finish yourself. Oh, did that hurt?
You look better from behind.
, 3:32 AM
A period of time, a dime, a line; it's nothing really. It's you, it's me, it's a lot of the things in between. It's the sway of the trees and the jerks of our knees and the thump and sway of the sound electric. And despite our empty wallets, our minds and mouths are full and the liquor churns its way through to our toes, our tapping toes. And even through the discord and despite the scorn we move together. So we move together. Our hands slip, you can interpret that, and you let slip the words that you never really wanted to say. But now we know, we know. Not that I didn't know all along. "It's you, it's me." Fuck you, fuck me. It's my skepticism in between.
The Tightrope
Sunday, May 3, 2009, 5:52 PM
The mystery is so close to me, I can feel it in my bones. You say two things but mean another, or you mean one and not the other. I'm intrigued, let's play this game and see how much you can fuck with me. You can't make my heart race, you can't make my hands shake. What did you put in my drink? Operations are small and I know that but you operate like a bloody machine. You operate like a sex machine. The mechanics of how you sway and blink, there's something there. But it's not what they think. Admittance is a vice, cowardice is trendy and when all is said and all is done, you have the body but you haven't won. You may have me, but you haven't won. You haven't won.
The Russian Prince
Sunday, April 12, 2009, 7:19 PM
I could sit here with you forever but if I did I'd probably want to stay a little longer. I wouldn't change a thing... well, maybe just your beard. And how you look down when you talk. Actually, I hate your games and the way you say Tuesday. But maybe one day you'll be different and perfect and I'll stay a little longer. Let's be honest, this is turning out so different from what we expected. Overbearing, you laughed when I said you were overbearing. I don't really want to be your girlfriend, can't we just leave things like this? Your reaction is satisfying, I don't care if you wanted this.
Your face will be on milk cartons.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 3:50 AM
Patterns progress across your body and everything is so clear now, don't you think you should break a little more? Your hips don't look that great, your tongue across your lips doesn't make them want a taste. The skin, the back, the hands; what are you asking for? It certainly can't be worth. And sometimes you ask yourself, what are you worth? And although you think it through differently each and every time, the vast numbers and countless encounters never quite assure you like they should. And as a retraction of innocence you let them have their way with you. You plead for just a touch, you beg for just a moment, where the earth stops spinning and your mind stops spinning and there is certain significant, distinguishable, magnetic feeling of peace.
Sit on my face.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009, 4:47 AM
You can meet me by the river tonight if you want, but I'd really rather you didn't because the moon and stars will shine and we'll see our clasped hands in the reflection in the water and we'll feel the rush and we'll go down hard. Moons and stars and holding hands are so over-dramatic, so cinematic. You really believe that this is everlasting? "We are the cinema and why didn't anyone ever write a book about us?" No one ever wrote a book about us because moons and stars and holding hands are so over-dramatic and that's okay because at midnight I'm just sitting at the edge of the riverbed wondering how someone could make up so many lies.
The Uptown Boys
Sunday, February 1, 2009, 4:19 AM
Whispers of phantoms carry me through time. I'm lightweight and struggling and floating in and out of reason. "It was just a tip of the hat," they tell me, as if it was nothing - as if the man tipped his hat like it was nothing. If only they had shade from the sun, yes, the bright lights obstructed their sight; what a sight... the curves and the turns and the patterns of the muscle and the hiding eyes. And he carried a briefcase stuffed full of meaningful items and figures and plans and prints and I was so curious as to what it all meant. Everyone was; it shone in their shining eyes and their attempts to catch his. The color crept up from their collars and splayed on their cheeks, and his. And if it weren't for gold and glamour and fame, the man would evaporate before them.
"Your daydreams belong in film," they say. Yeah, I should build myself an empire, of what? Of dreams? Of transparency and air?
Thick borders and vivid coastlines.
Friday, January 30, 2009, 4:49 AM
Three months later and a dozen letters; it can't get much worse but it can't get better. Miles and mountains and minutes; there's so much between us and dear you, I wish you were here, here, I need you here. Please come home, I'd like you here beside me to tell me what you like about me and to tell me what you miss and we could exchange tales of narcotics and prisons and promise never to go ever again. I'm haggard and drunk from swallowing 40% words and my desk is littered with empties and blanks and I'm wondering what are you doing? Seeing or feeling or crying or just sleeping it off.
I will sleep it off.
Tomorrow I will rewrite the words that sit on my lips and they will flow to the paper like water to the drain and you won't hear me but I'll keep calling. Seconds to minutes to hours to days, it doesn't matter.
Robot ears.
Saturday, February 9, 2008, 3:21 AM
There was something left in what you said, a lingering meaning lingering on your lips, something of importance that we missed. It was swimming on your tongue but you stopped and swallowed it, you ate it up and replaced it… with what you hid behind, a million drinks that led to a million words that led to a million thoughts in our heads. I bet you didn’t know that I was tempted to stay forever.
And if you had the chance again, would you have done it differently? Would you have made it known that you feel the same, you’ll always feel the same? When we’re nothing but dust and bones will you wish for more?
I bet you didn’t know that I’d be tempted to answer yes.
I bet you didn’t know that I’d be tempted to answer yes if you said, “One more chance?”
It doesn't work on the cold-hearted.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 1:00 PM
If I could just get that one piece back from you,
if you could just return that one piece back to me,
I think I could go.
When you blew away, oh, you blew away,
you flew on my one string of hope
and it flew away with you.
Now all that’s left is my scattered heart and
the skeleton of a whore.
Everything else blew away.
Don't worry, it's self-guiding.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008, 4:35 PM
There’s a motel room down the street
With your name on it baby;
But not mine.
You’ll be falling in love with your hand tonight.
Don’t forget to lock the door and close
The curtains so they don’t see
The inside.
No one wants to watch you while you stroke your little lies.